sounds in my head...

a birthday joy

2005-03-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

unforgotten memoir

now i know why girls hate it when period comes. it totally spoils your mood especially on your birthday eve. having only the nails on my left hand being painted, i decided to change my mind about having pink nails on that day. kakak never knew what painting nail was like. she has no idea what good painted nails should look like. therefore, you could actually describe my fingers as a 5-year-old instead of a seventeen! how sad. i guess sometimes i should learn how to write using my left hand. a lefty. interesting though.
fafy had school on that day so i presume he might be really exhausted to hog on the phone with me before meeting up. i excused him for that. i am not surprised poly life is stressful after visiting my sister at the hopspital due to stress.
so, i was getting really hungry. the needle on the wall now points at four. i was getting really irritated having to wait for so long until fafy rang me up. we met up at about five in the evening. sakura serves fantastic tom yam. we had that for lunch before surveying cameras which fafy needed for school.
surprisingly, we were not even rushing. the weather was perfectly fine. i thought i had dressed well on that day. i was kind of flattered when fafy praised my beauty.(he seldom does that).
anyway, after much gazing at gadgets (which I am totally not interested in), we headed to substation where we were about to watch mr juraimy perform on stage. i was really excited about it and had been wanting to go despite not purchasing the tickets yet even at the last minute! thank god the tickets have been reserved by mr juraimy. we arrived quite early.(in fact, very early). fafy and i decided to sit around and chat to kill the time. we were embracing the drawings displayed just outside that place.
honestly, i felt very honoured upon receiving the complimentary tickets! my english teacher had presented me those tickets (i take it as a birthday gift)which i had no idea was for free! i was captivated by the movements made by the performers (that includes Mr Teacher). it was a perfect collaboration between the english and the indians.
after appreciating the performance, i had approached mr juraimy to question him more about what had been shown. it was out of curiosity though.
fafy and i thanked him again before we left and i was looking forward to more these kind of artistic performances. it somehow enhances my views and knowledge about arts although i am just a literature student.
before ending off the perfect day, i had spent a few hours more with fafy and was very happy that he could spend the time with me during that event. it was a lovely ocassion i had thought to be.

kakak's favourite.

2004-12-23T01:45:00.000-08:00

ABBA
Mamma Mia

i've been cheated by you since i don't know when
i made up my mind it must come to an end
look at me now will i ever learn
i don't know how but i suddenly lose control
there's a fire within my soul
just one look and i can hear a bell ring
one more look and i forget everything w o o o oh
mamma mia here i go again
my my how can i resist you
mamma mia does it show again
my my just how much i've missed you
yes i've been brokenhearted
blue since the day we parted
why why did i ever let you go
mamma mia now i really know
my my i could never let you go

i've been angry and sad about things that you do
i can't count all the times that i've told you we're through
and when you go when you slam the door i think you know that

you won't be away too long
you know that i'm not that strong
just one look and i can hear a bell ring
one more look and i forget everything w o o o oh

mamma mia here i go again
my my how can i resist you
mamma mia does it show again
my my just how much i've missed you
yes i've been brokenhearted
blue since the day we parted
why why did i ever let you go
mamma mia now i really know
my my i could never let you go

mamma mia here i go again
my my how can i resist you
mamma mia does it show again
my my just how much i've missed you
yes i've been brokenhearted
blue since the day we parted
why why did i ever let you go
mamma mia now i really know
my my i could never let you go

girls' night in

2004-12-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

"so tell me ma what's it gonna be..."

mornin started real good. yaya, eda and i prepared breakfast together. it's been quite some time since Grandma prepared us breakfast. i really missed that. anyway, yaya's leavin for school soon; eda and me will be doin a 'mini' spring cleaning.

alia is reachin later at noon. busu left for hong kong since yesterday. im leaving for kuala lumpur on christmas. shoppin paradise, here i come. we're now listenin to 'pure shores' by all saints and i swear to god we've been blasting the radio since last night. busu's gonna kill us when the bill arrives.

oh we're probably having dinner outside today. ask me why. no one can cook. that's the reason we can't wait till alia arrives. she's so reliable unlike us. oh whatever im not ready yet to be a housewife. and not to forget, yaya's already engaged to razif. coolness. when's my turn? tell me about it. *laughs*. probably ten or twelve years to come yarrr....

busu has these new gigantic speakers which blast songs real hard like the ones they have in clubs. can u imagine that. he's so major cool.

probably i'll just be bummin' around at home; after im done with the household chores, duh. busu's gonna be so shocked when he sees the new perfectly clean toilet we're gonna clean soon. kinda exciting, don't you think so. till then.

signin off,
z.a.r.i.t.h

if you should return to me

2004-12-18T03:20:00.000-08:00

when you love someone so deeply, they become your life...

it was friday then that i got my results. yet it was friday again, october 8th 2004 that i had my last paper with Grandma not around. to be honest with you, i am quite satisfied with the grades. i had written an essay about Grandma the day before she left me forever. it was quite a tough poem as not many of my classmates chose to do that. anyway, my heart just felt like it was the right choice that ive made because it was sort of reflectin' about Grandma.

that was when i realised some things in life are beyond our control. no one is at fault. i knew that was the last time i would see Grandma the way i described her in my essay; she went away the next day.

put yourself in my shoes. there's no one to talk to when you're feeling down; angry with your parents or having a tough day at school again. nobody's gonna listen to you like how Grandma did.

since that incident, i had confidence; perhaps so much confidence that i was gonna do so well for literature. in fact ive got an A2. if only Grandma was around, she'd probably be more than happy for me. really. you guys just don't know her so well. it's sort of a tribute and i believe there's always a blessing behind every single word i mention about both Grandma and Grandpa.

her prayers are forever with me. that's the reason why i have confidence to achieve my goals. Grandma wished to see me appear on the television; not an actress please, more like a newscaster. i promise i'll work extremely hard to be one in future. it's gonna be really tough but anythin's possible. just do what your heart tells you to.

thinkin' about the memories that we've shared together just makes my day. see how great Grandma is. Grandma sleeps with me at night. we still talk. it's just that i can't see her like how she sees me. i love you more each day, Nenek.

i miss Grandma

2004-10-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

oh Grandma, i wish you were here. it was on the day that Grandma left all of us behind forever that made me feel how lonely she was when we were out of sight. yet she never complained what it was like to sit alone and eat all by herself. i was there, with my sister and my little cousins. we slept over at her place although we were all in grief. at night when we were all watching tv, suddenly i felt so lonely although there was company. someone is missing, i thought to myself. nothing moved; her bags, clothes that have been used were still in place. Grandma wasn't there. oh god nobody knew how i felt. it was as if your whole body is complete except that your heart is missing. really.

the next morning, i called out to Grandma. oh she's watering the plants, i said to myself. oh no...it's not her. it was my sister opening the door. i was still waiting for Grandma. she was supposed to be home by now, i said to myself. on Saturdays, Grandma would always go to the market then get breakfast. that day it wasn't Grandma who got us breakfast; it was Mother.

i wasn't used to sitting around at home without talking to Grandma. now i have to get used to it. it makes me feel better when i am at home because i somehow know and believe that Grandma is at her home, sitting down and watching the news. but when i am here at Grandma's home, i just don't see her. my heart aches.

i regret for not telling her how much i loved her. i regret for not showing her as much love as i can when she was still around. i regret for not visiting her when she was sick although i was tired after a long day at school. i regret for not spending as much time on the phone with her. i regret for not asking for forgiveness when i had the chance to. i regret for not getting her ginger cookies earlier. i told her i would visit her after my papers were over. it was on that day that i was supposed to see her on friday; october 8th 2004, after my last Math paper when she went away without saying a word. i knew that was the last time i had the chance to kiss her. yet she's always on my mind. i promise.

nenek, i miss you so much.

wake up call

2004-09-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

a very good morning to all.it was about 8 30 in the morning.it was sort of a wake up call from my little cousins outside my door.it's Mother's Day Out.a trip to Johore Baharu.breakfast was Nasi Lemak and only Wardah showered.kudos to all!sounds disgusting doesn't it.but it was too early to rinse ourselves with water.*shrugs*the clock now shows 11 30 am.yet i am still waiting for Boyfriend to ring me.seems like he's still snoring away.next door,Man and Dady are still trying very hard to fix the track for their Tamiya cars.Dady is like Humpty Dumpty-cum-Bear-cum-Boyfriend.he smells of Farhan and i love him to bits.Wardah's attention span is only 5 seconds.she's supposed to get down to work because PSLE's just around the corner.but where is she?somewhere in the house entertaining herself doing bowel movements(not medically).i can't really tell what Kakak's doing in the bathroom other than showering.i'll post in more soon.till then.

i still can't believe

2004-09-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

we argue most of the time.the one who'll always give in is him.maybe others can't appreciate the way i bring up myself but he is never like them.it is not the matter of attitude.it is the character.it's always easy said than done when people always say they would change for the better.because i'm selfish,that's the reason why i get jealous easily when it comes to attention.now i realise why there's such a thing as Boy's Night Out.anyway whatever it is,let bygones be bygones.we shall start anew.i don't wish to start another conflict again.thank you,precious.

this is for you, love

2004-09-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

my only angel

he is the light that shines my night,
he is my blanket that holds me tight
he sends his love whenever he can
and for sure i know he is a good man
if not for him, i wouldn't have tried
to be someone who can really stand up right
he, who sees...
he, who listens...
he is the one who only cares...
life seems so complete when he's always there
his prayers gave me the confidence
that made me a woman with a conscience
god sent him to me...
that was a miracle
let him be...
my one and only angel